Pondering
by Hlbur14
Summary: Nick ponders over his time with Jess... There's no other way to put it :P Please read!


**I know that a loud of Nick and Jess stuff has been done, but I wanted a go :P Enjoy!**

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Nick Miller couldn't sleep. Normally, he was a fantastic sleep. Nothing ever stopped him from sleep unless it was too hot. But tonight was actually quite chilly, so he had no excuse to be sitting at the island in the kitchen. Some would argue that he did have an excuse, since he had no bed, but the couch was just as comfy as any bed. But his eyes just wouldn't go heavy, yawns stayed locked deep inside him, and his mind was too busy thinking. Yes. _Thinking. _Not about the usual crap he thought about, such as how he was going to die alone or how he had no life. Those thoughts always made him go to sleep. But tonight, his thoughts took a different direction. What direction was that?

Into the world of Jessica Day, of course.

Jess. It had always been Jess, ever since day one. She was the reason he was still in the loft and not in bed beside Caroline. There was something about her that he couldn't fathom, something that made him want to stay in her life. It pained him to think of her living her life without him, without his guidance, without his protection. When she had said those words the night before, telling him that she no longer needed him, that hurt him more than it gave him closure.

"_I think you need me too much." _

"_No, I'm going to be fine. I am. _

"_I don't think so."_

"_You know why?"_

"_Why?"_

"_Because I met you. That's why I'm okay." _

That conversation, which had happened over twenty four hours ago, was on repeat in his head. She was telling him that she didn't need him _because _of him. In all fairness, she had come a long way since she entered his life, suffering from a tough break-up and yet fighting through it. It was more than he could say for himself. She got over Spencer after just a few months, whereas he was still hung over Caroline years down the line. He admired her for that, he really did. So maybe she didn't need him, but he sure as hell needed her.

His eyes travelled to the hall way, looking towards the door that held the key to his confusion. The girl who had changed him was just behind that door, slumbering and completely unaware of him presence in the kitchen. If only she knew what she had done to him. He gave up living a fantasy life with Caroline for her. He defended her on more than one occasion even when he didn't have to. Hell, only she would get him wound up in an insane situation such as nearly having a threesome with Remy the landlord! Yes, there was something about her that he couldn't help but adore and take care of, even if she didn't need it.

This wasn't the first time he had thought about her in such depth. It started way back, when Schmidt was teaching her to get back in the game of dating. It had been a couple of weeks since she moved in, and in that short time he found himself slowly becoming fond of her. She was different, unusual... _fresh. _He had never come across someone life her, a girl who was weird and just didn't give a damn. And, through the weirdness, she was _pure. _So that night when she got stud up, he could do nothing but go and help, because the thought of her sitting in a restaurant alone was enough to hurt and anger him. From that moment on, he knew he would forever want to look after her.

At first it started off as nothing but friendship feelings. He was more like the protective brother, especially when he came face to face with Spencer. He wouldn't give back Jess's stuff, and even _insulted _her living conditions with himself and the guys. That had annoyed him beyond measure! If he could, he would have had his fist in the jerk's face. But they won, and he left with his friends with a light, warm heart. Why? Not just because they had won a battle together as a team, as a _family, _but also because Jess had said she loved them. She barely knew them, and yet she loved them. Despite the spoken protests, his heart reacted in a completely different way.

He let it go quickly.

Then there was the wedding. Nothing spectacular happened, but she had made him see sense about Caroline for the first time round. That was a huge accomplishment! Schmidt and Winston had never been able to make him let Caroline go, and they were his best friends. But this girl who he had only known for a few weeks had simply said the right words, and even though he was drunk, they were words that he wanted to listen to. The only way he could repay her was to do the slow motion chicken dance with her, because that what friends do.

Things from then on had been simple. Just simple teasing and just getting along, up until _Paul _came along. He had no idea why at the time, but Nick had hated that guy. He argued with himself that it was because he was almost exactly like her, that there was a male version of Jessica Day, but that wasn't it at all. No. It was because Paul wasn't Nick. Jess had Paul and not Nick. But he hadn't figured that out until much later down the line.

When they broke up, Nick pretended to be sorry about it, but inside he was relieved. He didn't even feel guilty that it was his fault. Jess didn't love Paul, it was as simple as that. But he couldn't stand seeing her upset at Christmas, so he gave her the only good gift he had ever given to anyone. Got a street to spark their Christmas lights when it was after midnight, and the smile on Jess's face had made it more than worthwhile.

And then there was Remy. Oh. Dear. God. There had been a mix of emotions during that time. Anger, protectiveness, stubbornness, and, in small doses, passion. During that time, it was the first time he had really touched her. Not in _that _way, but just physically touched her. He had seen Remy pulling the moves on her by standing behind her with deliberate closeness. That had sparked something foreign, something he had never really felt. Jealousy. It was stupid, yes, but it had still been there. And, moment later, something else stirred deep inside him. He had been standing behind Jess, demonstrating that pointers from behind were just an excuse to breathe down a girl's neck. He was such a hypocrite! While standing behind her, his arms snaking around her small frame to show her 'how to lift a mug', desire was hotter than fire deep down.

He had been both grateful and disappointed when she whirled out of the gesture.

And, later that night, Remy wanted a threesome. _Crap. _But both Nick and Jess had been too stubborn to back down, and it so very nearly happened! Remy had wanted Jess and Nick to start it off, and my God, Nick had come so close to kissing the girl that hadbeen in his arms. He had been able to feel her warm breath on his lips, and it had been enough to put all of his desires into action. He could have so easily kissed her and pulled her into a world of pleasure, but that would have only happened it Remy weren't there. And, at the time, he had even forgotten about Julia, his girlfriend.

But for crying out loud, it was _Jess! _

And then there was the night he caught Jess outside of Schmidt's bedroom with a box of condoms. Oh, he couldn't even bring himself to think about that! Anyone but Schmidt!

Nothing amazing happened after that, not until a few weeks later with his cancer scare. At the time, he blamed Jess. He blamed her for crashing into him during a 'friendly' game of football, he blamed her for taking him to the doctors which caused the whole scare, he blamed her for telling him to live his life, and he blamed her for encouraging him to jump into the sea naked. He blamed her for everything because he was _terrified. _And yet she was there for him, and it had been the first time in their friendship that he needed her.

After that, she met Russell, A.K.A Fancyman. He had been a good man, a successful man, someone Nick had forever wanted to be. And it was because of him that he could let go of Jess. He could take care of her in a way that Nick couldn't. He could shower her with gifts and uncomplicated love, he could protect her in a mature way that Nick wasn't capable of, and finally, Jess had someone she deserved. Nick had looked on and encouraged her because he wanted what was best for her. And, for a short time, he had been able to move on from Jess, but that soon went to hell.

When they broke up sometime later, Nick found himself backsliding. He had given up! After Julia ended things with him and he started one night stands with college girls, he just gave up on love. He had been surrounded by solid relationships: Winston and Shelby, Schmidt and Cece, Russell and Jess. And then there was Nick. Forever alone Nick. And what was the only way to fix that? Caroline.

Jess had been furious. Just hours after her breakup with Russell, she had caught Nick and Caroline together after some incredible sex. Nick could see the fury blazing in her eyes, but what scared him was her undying disappointment. But one good thing came out of it. An intense, butt-shaking fight. They screamed, they insulted, they had ass shaking competitions, all with Caroline in the other room. Neither had cared that she was there, too wrapped up in their moment, and Nick had sworn he was going to kiss her. They had been breathing hard, both flustered, but before he could make a move, she was gone. So, in order to move on, he made the biggest mistake of his life.

Agreed to move in with Caroline.

And, after facing a coyote with Jess, he knew that he was letting him go. And God did it hurt. It hurt so much. He wanted her to _need _him! He wanted her to _fight _for him! But instead, she was letting him _go_! So, after finally getting home the following day, he knew it was his turn to take a stand. He looked Caroline in the eye, and she sure as hell knew what was coming before the words had been spoken. So she helped him along.

"You don't need me, do you?" she asked, disappointment heavy in her voice. Nick had stared long and hard, and finally he realised a heavy sigh and nodded.

"No. And you don't need me, either." He told her.

"Is it her?" she demanded. That annoyed him. _Her _had a _name! _

"She has a name, Caroline." He said lowly. Both stayed quiet, and finally, Nick said the words that he finally had no problem in saying. "Goodbye, Caroline." _And hello Jess. _

And here he was. Jess had greeted him back by calling him a clown, and that greeting alone meant more to him that she would ever know. This was his home. Home was with Jess and the guys. This was where he _belonged. _

"Nicolas?" Jess's voice pulled him from his thoughts, sounding groggy and quiet. He jolted in his seat, fully aware of his now pounding heart. She came out of her room rubbing her eyes, her hair a matted mess of her head that somehow made her all the more beautiful. He smiled.

"Hey, Jess." He said.

"It's three in the morning." She stated. "What are you doing out here?"

"Can't sleep. What are you doing up?" he asked, gazing at her as she strolled to the sink.

"Thirsty." She said simply. She poured herself a glass of water before perching herself beside Nick, gazing at him with a smile. He stared back, trying to read her but not picking up on anything in her eyes. Finally, she grinned, making his heart warm.

"Thank you." she said, and he made his turtle face.

"For what?"

"Coming back." she said it as if it were that simple. "Just the few hours that you were gone had this place out of shape." He dipped his head and chuckled. "Why _did _you come back?"

_Because of you. "_Because Caroline isn't who I want." He said quietly. "It's taken me this long to realise it, but it's true. You were right... for once."

"But you seemed so sure." She said softly, genuinely confused. He met her hot gaze, getting sucked into the huge pools that were her eyes, and he realised how close she was sitting. Her arm was brushing his, her warmth flowing into him, and if he wanted, he could have so easily leaned in and kissed her. And boy did he want to.

"Did I?" he whispered, staring at her. Her lips parted, as if to answer, but no words flowed. Instead she laughed softly, dropping her head to look at her glass on the table.

"Nick Miller, Nick Miller, who is full of surprises." She said in a rapping tone, sparking a memory from his drunken night during his cancer scare. He chuckled with her, tempted to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "I'm going back to bed. You gonna be okay?" she said softly, peering at him through her messy hair. He nodded, smiling. He watched her stroll down the hall and heard the soft click of her door, and a strange image went through his head.

Perhaps, someday, it will be both of them strolling into one or the other's bedroom, hand in hand or arm in arm, and maybe they would close the door together and share a peaceful night together. Or a passionate night, but that was hope against hope. Hell, that entire image was hope against hope. Jessica Day, for the time being, was someone to admire from a distance, for she was no ordinary girl. She was his friend _and _ his roommate, and yet...

He was falling in love with her.

Nick Miller was indeed full of surprises. And, staring in the direction that Jess had gone, he smiled softly to himself. Maybe for the moment she was off limits, but he also enjoyed a challenge. Jess was worth every dime as far as he was concerned.

Little did he know that in the next few weeks, himself and Jess would be closer than ever. And maybe, just maybe, she would fall in love with him too. He could argue with himself that she was already there, but again, that was hoping against hope.

But, like himself, Jess was also full of surprises.

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**Review!**


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